A night at the opera

Political Shocker: Snowman Fathers Congressman

The rumor has plagued Congressman Bill Sali for years: is he Burl Ives' love child? Is this the abominable scandal that will unseat Sali? The facts surrounding the controversy are unclear, but an uncanny resemblance between the two men has kept speculation alive for years.

We tried to contact Mr. Sali for comment, but he did not return our calls. This statement was released by someone who works in the same building:

“Is Burl Ives my father? Well, people have always told me I look like him. And no, the comparison does not make me uncomfortable. While Ives was a known communist, he did rat out his close friends and co-workers to save his own skin, so I would say that his strength of character more than made up for his youthful ideological failings. As for his work on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, that is more difficult to forgive. Rudolph represents all that is wrong with our government and society. He was different, he had a shiny nose, and his best friend was a neat, thin, upwardly mobile male. It doesn’t take a great analytical mind to figure out what Hollywood is telling our children with this story. Heck, I did it. I think it’s important as we head into the Christmas season that we remember that Rudolph was nothing but a sick, twisted little reindeer, and he has no place in American culture or society. Do your kids a favor this year, skip Rudolph and take them to see that Fred Claus movie instead. The answer to your question is no, I’m not Burl Ives' love child, but I do enjoy crooning out Silver and Gold occasionally.”

We're sorry we ever doubted you, Larry

Well folks, mystery solved. Take a look at this picture. That, my friends, is the Manu-matic 9000. And what do you think this prosthetic hand is good for? Think… Larry has a wide stance, ya, I get that, but picking up soiled paper off the floor? Why, that would be a janitor's job. In Larry’s futuristic vision of the world, that would be the job of the Manu-matic 9000. You see, MyPrivyIdaho has learned that Larry has been moonlighting as a test pilot for the Minnesota Janitor-Botics Corp. Does it make more sense now? Do I have to spell it out? Larry was in that stall testing the hand. Picking up trash with the hand. Wiping the bottoms of the stalls with the hand. Touching his… uh, picking up trash with the hand.

We're sorry, Larry. We're so, so, sorry. Welcome to the Hall of Fame, you've earned it.

My problem with Larry Craig

You know what really burns me up? Why does Larry Craig have to go all the way to Minnesota to cruise restrooms? What, exactly, is wrong with the stalls of Idaho? I've used the Boise airport restrooms, and I can't see anything wrong with them. They're clean, well lit, plenty of paper supplies, attractive, one might even say romantic, if one is tuned in to such things. (Call me old-fashioned; I prefer a nice warm kitchen table.)

We've been tricking people into buying overpriced Idaho crap for years with the highly successful "Buy Idaho" program. I believe it's time for the “Cruise Idaho” program:

Let’s keep those sexual tourism dollars at home, folks.

If we can keep Craig from un-un-resigning, we'll have all the free advertising we’ll ever need.