Political Shocker: Snowman Fathers Congressman

The rumor has plagued Congressman Bill Sali for years: is he Burl Ives' love child? Is this the abominable scandal that will unseat Sali? The facts surrounding the controversy are unclear, but an uncanny resemblance between the two men has kept speculation alive for years.

We tried to contact Mr. Sali for comment, but he did not return our calls. This statement was released by someone who works in the same building:

“Is Burl Ives my father? Well, people have always told me I look like him. And no, the comparison does not make me uncomfortable. While Ives was a known communist, he did rat out his close friends and co-workers to save his own skin, so I would say that his strength of character more than made up for his youthful ideological failings. As for his work on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, that is more difficult to forgive. Rudolph represents all that is wrong with our government and society. He was different, he had a shiny nose, and his best friend was a neat, thin, upwardly mobile male. It doesn’t take a great analytical mind to figure out what Hollywood is telling our children with this story. Heck, I did it. I think it’s important as we head into the Christmas season that we remember that Rudolph was nothing but a sick, twisted little reindeer, and he has no place in American culture or society. Do your kids a favor this year, skip Rudolph and take them to see that Fred Claus movie instead. The answer to your question is no, I’m not Burl Ives' love child, but I do enjoy crooning out Silver and Gold occasionally.”